Green, goopy stuff...

When Kona first got his stitch (or staple) under his eye from where Lucy bit him, it was all swollen and sore. F After a few days, it started to ooz. Green, goopy, gross stuff. I squeezed and squeezed. He squealed and squirmed. Finally, it was all out and his eye started to heal. It looks good now. It may scar. It may not.

I have my own green, goopy stuff. Locked away in my soul. My friend just squeezed. A teeny, tiny bit came out. Tears formed on the very rim of my eyes.

She said to me that she saw what we did for "Veda" as "the best thing we could have done for her" and "a selfless act". I squeal and squirm when I hear this. I have heard it before and it still does not sink in. I feel that it was totally selfish. That it was in MY best interest. I feel ugly (who wouldn't with green, goopy stuff oozing out?) about it. I still have days that I doubt what we are doing is right. I still have nights that I wake up terrified. Terrified that her adoption to her new family will not complete. Terrified that she will once again rule our home. Our lives. I am too selfish to feel that hopeless and miserable again. I am too selfish to see my marriage to the best man on Earth disentigrate. I am too selfish to try to figure out what to do. To wade thru all of the advice and expert opinons and protocols. I am too selfish to quit my job and be a SAHM to give her all she needs. I do not feel selfless. I do not feel I did "enough".

I know that I am just festering. I know that occasionally, the green, goopy stuff is bound to surface. I know, the sooner we squeeze it out, the better. But it hurts a lot to squeeze. I am just squealing and squirming my way thru it. It might scar, it might not.